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recipes, vegan

Indulging despite a seemingly strict diet…

Sometimes, the leftovers in your pantry and fridge can create the best foods.

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For instance, Bitter Sweet blog’s Philly Cheesesteak. In my version, I used a gluten free baguette and sorghum flour instead of regular flour. Luckily, Portland has a dedicated gluten free bakery called New Cascadia that also happens to have some vegan breads, as well. The baguette falls into this category and has become a staple in my grocery list.

Philly Cheesesteak

1 1/2 Cups (About 2.8 – 3 Ounces) Soy Curls
1 1/2 Cups Pacific Mushroom Broth
4 tsps Olive Oil
1 Medium Yellow Onion, Thinly Sliced
1 Red Bell Pepper, Thinly Sliced
1/2 tps Dried Thyme
1/2 tsps Garlic Powder
1/4 tsp Freshly Ground Pepper
1 tbsp Sorghum Flour
1 Tablespoon Soy Sauce
1 Tablespoon Annie’s Vegan Worchestershire Sauce
1 New Cascadia Traditional Rustic Baguette or any gluten free baguette, cut in half and toasted
Veganaise to spread on the baguette
5 Slices Provolone-Style Daiya Cheese

Heat up the mushroom broth and pour them over dry soy curls. In the meantime, grill the cut up onion and pepper in a pan.

Once they have grill marks, add the re-constituted soy curls, along with the broth in it. Cover and cook on low heat.

Toast the bread while the soy curls, onions, and peppers cook. Once the “meaty” mixture is ready, take out the bread (careful not to burn it or over toast it), compile the sandwich.

wonton (5 of 1)
recipes, vegan

Veganizing Mama’s best recipes

“Our parents, they want the best of stuff for us. But right now they gotta do what’s right for them, ’cause it’s their time. Their time, up there. Down here it’s our time. It’s our time DOWN HERE.” – Mikey; The Goonies

wonton (3 of 1)

I’ve struggled for years trying to veganize recipes my mother has so effortlessly conquered as an ominvore. It’s probably the hardest battle. Fried foods, no care for the amount of flour or sugar, using brands that we have all known to be filled with not only animal products but tons of trans fat and saturated fats. Life is hard. So many times I have given up and written it off as something that is better left as a food non-vegans will devour. Not anymore.

Alas, after years of experimenting with my mother’s most famous treat, crab wontons, I have found an alternative.

wonton (6 of 1)

Sauer Wontons

(yields 24; 1 hr of prep/cooking time)

6 egg roll wrappers, cut in fourths

1/2 package of vegan sour cream

1/2 package of vegan cream cheese

2 stalks of green onions, diced

7 cloves of garlic, chopped finely

1/2 package of tofu, pressed and diced (if you want soy free, just omit the tofu, dijon mustard, and soy sauce)

1/4 cup of sauerkraut, drained

3 carrots, shredded

1/4 cup of dijon mustard

1/8 cup of soy sauce

Mix the dijon mustard and soy sauce together. Marinate the tofu and bake at 400 degrees until crisp. In the meantime, mix together the other incredients. Heat a pot of oil (with enough oil to cover the wontons). Once the tofu is cooled, mash into the mixture. Lay the skins out and put a teaspoon of the mixture in the middle. wonton (1 of 1)

wonton (2 of 1)Dab the edges of the wonton skin with warm water, and close up at the corners. Press the edges so that the mixture will not seep out. Prep all 24 wontons before frying. Fry each for about 5 minutes, so that they are slightly golden. wonton (5 of 1)

I almost win, Mom.

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raw, raw vegan, recipes, vegan

eliminating wastefulness

I waste a lot of food, and I feel like shit about it.

After purchasing a juicer and throwing out the pulp a few times, I thought, “….what in the actual fuck am I doing? I could use this.” So I saved some carrot pulp for a few days, but then I’d look into my fridge and see it staring back at me as if it were exclaiming, “hey dummy, use me UP.”

I looked through countless recipes for raw carrot crackers, raw carrot cake, energy balls, face peels. Nothing called out to me. It was then that I realized I had a bunch of other cool shit  and I’ve been needing to use them up for a long time.

Luckily for me, the most healthy things are the things that are left stranded in the cupboard. Unfortunately for me, I’m too much of a stubborn lady to realize they are the best things to consume.

In the end, I made my own carrot cake balls.

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Raw Carrot Cake Balls

Yields about 24

1/2 cup of raw carrot pulp, or grated carrots 

1/4 cup of flaxmeal

1/3 cup of almond meal

1/4 cup of goji berries (soaked for an hour)

4 pitted dates (soaked for an hour)

1/2 cup of raw cashews (soaked for an hour) 

1/4 cup of raw hemp seeds

1/3 cup of liquid coconut oil

2 tablespoons of vanilla extract

1 tablespoon of cinnamon

3 teaspoons of ginger

sweeten with your choice of non-refined sugar to taste (you may not need to sweeten them at all)

After you throw all this in the food processor (or hand stirred like I did because mine broke…), form them into small balls and roll them into a mixture of 1 cup of almond meal with a little cinnamon and nutmeg. 

Freeze for a few hours.

Now you have a delicious antioxidant dense, life-giving, skin clearing, heart healthy, protein monster ball snack/breakfast/dessert/potluck offering. You can thank me later.

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in before scoffs

It’s fall. A lot of us are bummed. Cold weather is inevitable, sunshine will no longer grace our cheeks (butt cheeks, that is), and the year is coming to an end.

But alas! This now gives us an excuse and purpose to make hot drinks, which I’ve personally been waiting for. There are very few things more comforting than holding a warm mug in your hand full of something thick and aromatic.

Enter: hot chocolate.

There have been so many variations on this classic, YET I rarely saw anything floral and herbal added to this. Recently, I’ve been trying to put lavender in as many things in my life as possible. Pillow patches, room sprays, soaps, anything. Why not my bedtime beverage, too?

lavender budz

Lavender Hot Chocolate

(makes enough for one regular size mug)

1 1/2 tablespoon of cacao powder (cocoa powder is fine)

2 tablespoons of sweetener (I used agave. You can use stevia, honey, simple syrup, etc. Adjust each to taste)

1/4 cup of lavender water*

1 teaspoon of vanilla extract (omit if you use vanilla non-dairy milk)

2 cups of non-dairy milk (I used unsweetened almond milk)

*lavender water

Boil 2 cups of lavender water with 1/3 cup of dried lavender buds/flowers. Pour into a jar and wait until it is cooled to use.

Pour the non-dairy milk into a pot and put on medium heat. While that is heating, combine the cacao/cocoa powder, sweetender, lavender water, and vanilla extract into your mug and stir. When the milk is hot (DO NOT BOIL), pour into your mug and stir well. If you want to be fancy, you could add whipped cream (coconut cream + sweetener whipped together) and garnish with a few lavender flowers. They’re okay to eat, but they’re really strong and bitter so only use a few.


Now enjoy your floral hot chocolate, you fancy bitch.

cocktails, gluten free, vegan

the summer of sorbet cocktails

Living in Portland during the summer can be amazing….but also unbearable. Air conditioning is a rarity, but luckily the tools and ingredients to make the best sorbets aren’t.


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Lemon Basil Sorbet

1 1/2 cups of lemon juice

1 teaspoon of lemon zest

2 cups of sugar

1 cup of water

handful of basil, shredded and diced

Bring the lemon juice, water, and sugar to a boil. Once the sugar is dissolved and the mixture is at a rolling boil, remove from heat and set aside. Once it’s cooled, stir in the zest and basil. If you have an ice cream maker, follow the instructions for that.

For anyone else, place the mixture in the freezer and stir every hour. It should be ready the next day.

(You can easily replace the basil with mint, rosemary, thyme, sage, ginger, or whatever spice you like for this recipe)

Getting Creative With Your Sorbet:

Add a float of it to a glass of champagne, Lillet Blanc, or sweet white wine.

Mix it in with some beer to make an icy shandy.

Scoop some into a glass of iced tea mead (or any sort of mead).

Add a bit of it to any cocktail that calls for simple and lemon juice, such as a Tom Collins.



i’m still here, and i’m still eating sandwiches

beet sandwich

Vegans have been getting more creative with sandwich fillings as our hunger for new tastes emerge. I would have never thought of beets being a sufficient substitute for a typical meat cheese bread combination, but it’s more than satisfying and incredibly great for your body. This sandwich was largely inspired by Ecliptic Brewing Co’s Beet Melt.


Beet and Apple Slaw Sandwich

one small golden beet, sliced thinly

one sourdough roll (or whatever)

half of an avocado, sliced

cucumber slices

one slice of Daiya Provolone (optional)

Apple Slaw:

half of a golden delicious apple, julienned

one small onion, sliced thinly

1 tablespoon of Vegenaise

1 teaspoon of apple cider vinegar

poppyseeds (optional)

Mix the slaw ingredients together and let it sit in the fridge for the flavors to meld together. Bring a pot of water to a boil. You can either double boil the sliced beets, boil them directly in the water, or steam them. Prepare the cucumber and avocado slices. Grill/broil/toast the bread you are using. Once the beets look a bit translucent/are cooked, combine them in a small bowl and put the sliced daiya on top, so that it melts.

Combine the sandwich ingredients. It will fall. It will get messy. You have been warned.

beet sandwich

cocktails, vegan

sake cocktails + noodles


Shying away from my normal Prohibition era cocktail preferences, I discovered some recipes for sake cocktails. None of them seemed appealing or would be cheaper than $75 to make, so I found some strange liquors to pair with a dry sake:

For the Sake of Love

2 oz of sake (junmai or extra dry)

1.5 oz Jasmine liqueur (or tea liqueur)

2 oz of lemon juice

Shake. Strain. Serve.


Do you really need a fucking recipe for noodles? Fuck. Okay.

(makes a large pot’s worth)

1 package of noodles (I used soba. Udon works, too)

1 quart of vegetable broth

1 package of tofu, pressed and chopped

assorted chopped/sliced vegetables: mushrooms, carrots, sweet potato, radish, kale, green onion, garlic

Boil the noodles in the broth. Once they’re soft, add in vegetables and tofu.

If slimy tofu grosses you out, bake it for 30 minutes. Garnish with fresh green onion.

breakfast, cocktails, vegan


Scenario: You’re sick (cough, sore throat, raspy voice, typical winter shit) and you don’t want to go to the store. You’ve also got bourbon and a lime.

An idea emerges. 

bless this bourbon, candle Jesus

bless this bourbon, candle Jesus

The Improvised Hot Toddy #1

1 oz of bourbon/rye

1 teaspoon of agave (you can use honey if you’re not vegan or don’t care)

juice of half a lime

1/2 teaspoon of ginger, grated or sliced

1/4 teaspoon of cinnamon (if you have a cinnamon stick, use that instead)

boiled water

Stir the lime juice, spices, and agave nectar together.

Stir in bourbon and pour hot water into the cup until it’s full.

Here are some other things that can make you feel better when you’re ill:

Volcano foot mask from Lush– The smell alone will put your mind at ease.

Rudolph seasonal face mask from Lush– don’t put this on while you’re drinking the hot toddy, you’ll end up eating it. 

Cuddle with a small animal. They’re better than a space heater.




gluten free, vegan

you try to be gluten free and everything falls apart.


Every pie crust I have tried to make that is “gluten free” has crumbled in my hands. Was I unhappy? Sure, maybe about the presentation. Taste-wise? Hell no. Turn that bitch into a crumble. You’re better off, anyway.


Apple Pear CRUMBLE


5 apples, peeled and sliced thinly

1 pear, peeled and sliced thinly

3 dates, soaked

3 tablespoons of cinnamon

1 teaspoon of: nutmeg, cloves, allspice, ginger

1 tablespoon of agave nectar

1 teaspoon of vanilla

1 tablespoon of lemon juice


2 cups of almond meal/flour

1/2 cup of white flour

1/2 cup of millet flour (or really any other grain flour you own, oats and flax work, too)

1/4 cup of coconut oil

1/4 cup of earth balance (or canola, vegetable, or coconut oil)

1/4 cup of agave nectar

Refrigerate crust for at least one hour. Preheat oven to 350 degrees fahrenheit. Press 1/2 of crust mixture into the pie pan and spoon in the filling mixture. Bake for 1 hour. Flatten out the rest of the crust mixture with a rolling pin or similar tool. Place over the pie, bake for an additional 30 minutes (or until golden brown).

Optional: whipped topping:

1 can of refrigerated coconut milk (light is fine)

1/4 cup of agave nectar

3 tablespoons of cornstarch

2 tablespoons of egg replacer (the powder stuff, not flax or applesauce, etc)

Stir all, heat in a pan until thick and bubbling. Refrigerate until it is thick and cool. Whip and spoon over pie.


If this doesn’t get your taste buds off, I don’t know what will.



arsonphobia in cocktail form

bitter heiress

Arsonphobia (the bitter heiress without the flame)

1.5 ounces of Lillet Rouge

1.5 ounces of Campari

4 ounces of orange juice, freshly squeezed is preferred

Shake vigorously with ice, strain and serve in a chilled glass.

Traditionally, the bitter heiress calls for a flamed citrus peel after pouring in the glass to collect the citrus oils and bring out the flavor of the drink. I am, however, afraid of setting shit on fire, so this is the safe way to enjoy this cocktail. If you’re absolutely concerned that the drink needs citrus oil, twist a raw orange peel over the top of it.

For anyone that hates the taste of alcohol, this drink tastes like a grapefruit.

A wimpy drink, classy style.

gluten free, just a thought, raw, vegan

pro-tips you should probably follow

It’s really easy to empty your wallet out on that diet you’re so excited about. More often than not, this discourages people from living a healthy lifestyle. Most people don’t realize that you can eat healthy things AND still have money left over. (mind blown? keep reading.)

I fall victim to spending everything I make to stores such as Whole Foods and other health conscious grocery stores, but there’s a simple way to avoid this and get the most from what you spend:

1. Buy in bulk (bins). 

Do you really need a whole bag of chia seeds? Or just enough for a recipe. How much ginger are you SERIOUSLY going to use in your tea? Break off a knob in produce and call it even. Don’t even get me started on cashews. Buy what you’re going to eat, and know how much you need exactly for each recipe.

2. Avoid buying produce at grocery stores, try co-ops or farmer’s markets.

Most of the time, you’ll get a deal. If they have an overabundance of carrots or berries, they’re probably going to give them to you for half of what you would find them for at the grocery store. A lot of the time, they’re organic and fairly priced. You’ll be surprised to find that you can get a box of vegetables for half of what you would buy a dozen avocados for.

3. Plan your meals.

If you have no idea what the hell you’re going to eat, of course you’re going to binge and buy interesting (expensive) food. It’s the same as going to the grocery store hungry. Plan on meals that you know will be nutritious and accommodating to your specific diet and make a grocery list accordingly. This will ease some of the stress and anxiety while walking through aisles, since you know what you need. You’ll also avoid things you don’t need with ease. Planning meals weekly is great since you can change your diet as you go, depending on if you’re eating things that work with your goals. 

4. You probably don’t need organic.

If you eat the outside/peel/rind, why are you buying organic? I mean, yeah, society is now telling us the product has GMOs and pesticides penetrating through the exterior, but REALLY? It’s just marketing. Eat regular bananas, avocados, nuts, and lemons. You’ll be fine. 

5. Make everything yourself if you can.

Buying vegan cream cheese or pre-packaged dressings is ideal and convenient, but in the end, you’re paying much more than you would if you made everything yourself. Look into recipes with high ratings and make them yourself. Don’t have the time? Make the time. It’s worth it in the end, especially if you can get twice as much vegan sour cream  for half the cost. 

6.Please stop taking pictures of your food on paper serve-ware.

That is all. Bye.

gluten free, vegan

drip on me all you want, delicious taco

mushroom tacos


Some things are simple- like mexican food. Take out the dairy, sub out meat for your favorite alternative, pile on the guacamole. Soy free? Do-able. Gluten free? Totally do-able. You can now have mexican food, authentic flavors and all, with your picky ass diet.


Mushroom tacos

“the meat”

handful of white mushrooms, sliced thinly

1 teaspoon of cumin

1 teaspoon of chili powder

1/2 teaspoon of garlic powder

1/4 teaspoon of onion powder

1/4 teaspoon of pepper

1/4 teaspoon of paprika

1/4 teaspoon of mustard powder (optional, really)

1 tablespoon of oil (olive, vegetable, earth balance, whatever the hell you want)

“the crema”

1/4 cup of vegan sour cream (if you want to make it, take a package of silken tofu and blend it with 1 teaspoon of apple cider vinegar and 1 teaspoon of lemon juice)

1 lime, juiced

1/2 avocado 


shredded cabbage/lettuce

guacamole (homemade or store-bought, that’s on you, b)

black olives, sliced


white corn tortillas (or flour tortillas if you want wheat)

Heat oil in a skillet. Throw in thinly sliced mushrooms. Sprinkle spices over mushrooms once they are soft from heat.

Blend up the “crema”. Heat up tortillas in oven at 350 degrees fahrenheit until they are crisp (or eat them cold and soft, ya fuckin’ weirdo). Assemble with the shredded greens, olives, and sauces.

Slam into face. 

This is probably the cheapest, easiest dinner to make as a picky eater/vegan. You can substitute the mushrooms for any kind of “meat” you want. Potatoes, greens, root vegetables, beans, peas, and legumes all work wonderfully. Just don’t forget the guacamole.

pumpkin whiskey
cocktails, vegan

The best things in life involve whiskey.

Fall is finally here, which means a few amazing things are going to happen. Days without sun, beautiful colored leaves, warm cocktails, and pumpkin. Lots of pumpkin.

If you’re one of those people that are creeped out by warm cocktails, this is the drink to try through clenched teeth.


**makes three cocktails

1 small can of pumpkin pie (preferably one with pumpkin pie spices and sugar. If you can’t find that, just add a few tablespoons of sugar, cinnamon, cloves, and allspice to the canned pumpkin)

1 1/2 cups of nondairy milk (vanilla)

3 oz of whisk(e)y

Heat pumpkin and milk in a saucepan. When it starts to bubble, remove from heat and ladle in glasses. Stir in an oz of whiskey. Prepare to pass out.

pumpkin whiskey

breakfast, raw, vegan

Looks gross? Chug it.

Over the years, I’ve acquired pretty much every herb, supplement, and health food you can imagine. Exploring my nutritional options as a vegan has gotten me to a point where my cupboard should belong to someone in their late 60s. Regardless, I’m pleased with the fact that I can easily make something that calls for a unique or rare ingredient. The smoothie below contains ingredients that every vegan should carry during the summer at the very least. Goji berries, although somewhat pricey and hard to find, contain anti-aging properties and antioxidants. The rest will detoxify your body and give it nutrients. I’m all for buying in bulk- especially if you’re only using them to make smoothies.

If you like it less thick, add more almond milk. You shouldn’t stop there- if you have other things in your kitchen that you think would make a great addition, go for it! Feel free to let me know what you have concocted and the turn out, as well.


Update on this little beezy- She’s now adapted to Portland, OR, but she still gives me dirty looks. -_-


classy bitches

strawberry champagne cupcakes

Crave. Indulge. Regret. Repeat. 

I’m able to feel a little less regret knowing my desserts don’t contain eggs and dairy, and I feel no regret when they’re gluten free. Still, cupcakes should not be consumed every day EVEN THOUGH I would happily eat these for breakfast, lunch, and dinner for the rest of my (very obese) life.

Strawberry Champagne Cupcakes

makes 18 cupcakes

1 cup of champagne (cheap champagne is totally fine here)

2 cups of flour

2 tablespoons of cornstarch

3/4 teaspoon of baking powder

1/2 teaspoon of baking soda

1/2 teaspoon of salt

1/2 cup of canola oil

3/4 cup of unrefined sugar

2 1/4 teaspoons of vanilla extract

8 medium sized strawberries, rinsed and hulled

Champagne Buttercream:

1 cup of vegetable shortening

1 cup of Earth Balance

8 cups of powdered sugar

1 teaspoon of vanilla extract

1/2 cup of champagne

Preheat oven to 350 degrees f while prepping your cupcake liners. Mix flour, cornstarch, baking powder, baking soda, and salt. In another bowl, beat oil and sugar together until frothy. Add the vanilla extract and champagne. Blend the wet mixture with the strawberries and add it to the dry ingredients. Mix well. Fill the cupcake liners 3/4 full. Bake for 25 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean.


Beat the shortening and earth balance together. Add in the powdered sugar 1 cup at a time. Add in the vanilla. The frosting should be stiff, so slowly pour the champagne in and be aware that it might become too runny. Refrigerate until use.


Helpful hint: Do not take these to your coworkers or drive after eating these. If you’re a lightweight these might get you drunk.

cocktails, travels, Uncategorized, vegan

This is the 21st century.

I’m a little late on this, but I finally made my way up to Seattle for a day. I want to go back as much as I can since this time all we really did was giggle at how cute Padme is as a tourist.


Canon was one of the destinations. I’ve been told by numerous people that I could appreciate every aspect of the bar, and they were right (they even have Chartreuse on tap).



We didn’t…really stop there. In fact, we didn’t even start there. We went to a dive called The Unicorn with strange decor. I made the mistake of getting tofu scramble. DON’T EVER GET TOFU SCRAMBLE IN A DIVE (unless it’s in Portland).

The Unicorn

Our next place of interest was Tavern Law. I wasn’t as into it as I was into Canon, but I did find an Earl Grey infused cocktail.


So basically, if I’m traveling somewhere, I am drinking all day (and taking photos of my bitch).





More importantly, I was inspired to make a vegan friendly version of a cocktail from PDT, The 20th Century.

20th century

the 21st century

1 oz gin

.75 oz lillet blanc

.25 oz lemon juice

.75 oz vegan white chocolate syrup*

shake with ice, strain, serve

*to make the white chocolate syrup, melt a handful of vegan white chocolate chips (i used some brand from Food Fight) with a nondairy milk. YOU HAVE TO USE THIS IMMEDIATELY or else it will solidify.


“You’re vegan? What do you eat?”


I can’t tell you how many times I get asked this. This is 2013. Vegan calamari exists. Health food and natural food stores are popping up in small towns.

Yet, ignorance still plagues humanity. I eat sand, obviously.

I actually should have just said this:


Pizza is almost as good as burritos and sandwiches. It’s completely versatile, fattening, and delicious. You can pretty much pile whatever on the crust made out of….anything. Piling food on top of food is always the best.

California Pizza Kitchen had inspired this pizza combination. Instead of their gorgonzola and mozzarella pear pizza, I substituted Teese cheese and a white wine sauce.

Pear Pizza

(I cheated and bought a crust from the store…)

Pizza Dough 

Olive Oil for coating the pizza dough and cooking the pear

1 onion, sliced finely

1/3 cup of white wine (I used Chardonnay)

2 tbsp of Earth Balance or more olive oil

1 tsp of garlic powder

1 tsp of paprika

1 pear, peeled and sliced finely (just use the peeler to slice it)

1/4 cup of capers

1 package of Teese ‘cheese’, sliced

1 tablespoon of chopped walnuts (optional)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees or whatever it says on the pizza dough package. Knead and prepare the pizza dough. Drizzle the middle part of it with olive oil. Bake for ten minutes or until the crust is golden brown. Caramelize the pears in a frying pan with olive oil. In a saucepan, heat the Earth Balance or olive oil, and add the finely chopped onions. Once they are browned, add the white wine and simmer. Add the spices to the sauce.

As the pears become more translucent, remove from heat, and spread the white wine sauce/onions on the pizza dough. Assemble with the pears, Teese ‘cheese’, and capers. Sprinkle the walnuts on top, and bake until the ‘cheese’ is melted.


Congrats, you’re now a fancy bitch.

cocktails, music

scotch scotch scotch. scotchy scotchy scotch.

blood and sand


Blood and Sand

1.5 oz blended scotch

.75 oz blood orange juice (regular oj is fine)

.5 oz cherry heering

.5 oz sweet vermouth

If you don’t like the woody taste of scotch, but you want something sweet/savory, I recommend you try this anyway. It’s a great way to ease into the stronger cocktails and it has a gorgeous color. Or you know, you can stick with your shitty soda booze.

Last night Unknown Mortal Orchestra and Wampire played at the Aladdin Theater. Unfortunately, I didn’t get any photos of Wampire. I say unfortunately because they were all really, really nice to look at. I was surprised at how good they were and that they were local.

Unknown Mortal Orchestra killed it.

unknown mortal

I wish more bands had this unique sound. Even if you aren’t into this kind of music, it’s easy to recognize that this band is talented and they clearly have a passion for performing and making sweet soundz. It’s nearly impossible not to move to this.

unknown mortal orchestra

raw, vegan

no excuses

There should never be any excuse to not eating healthy.

You have time. It doesn’t always have to be expensive. You don’t need fancy equipment in the kitchen. There are enough resources out there to assist you with knowledge on eating better and staying healthy.

Now let’s talk about carrots.

Rich in antioxidants, they are practically the perfect snack. Personally, I dislike the taste, so juicing them and adding other things such as ginger and grapefruit can mask it and make for a cleansing drink.


carrot juice



Drink This:

6-7 carrots, peeled

3 slices of fresh ginger root, peeled

3 tablespoons of apple cider vinegar

3 cups of water

Blend and strain out the pulp (or you could leave it in, whatevs)


the best place to eat pie is in bed.

Mmmmmm, warm pie.


Mini Apple Blackberry Pies

(makes 8)

Crust: 2 cups of flour

1 teaspoon of baking powder

1/4 cup of sugar

1 teaspoon of salt

cinnamon, cloves, and nutmeg to taste

1/2 cup of shortening

1/4 cup of coconut oil

Filling: two apples, chopped

1 cup of blackberries

1 teaspoon of earth balance

1/4 cup of agave nectar

cinnamon to taste

Combine dry crust ingredients, then mix in shortening and melted coconut oil. If you don’t have a ball of dough, add some water until you can knead it together. Refrigerate the dough for 20 minutes

Spray a muffin pan or small pie pans and preheat the oven to 400 degrees.

Roll the dough into 8 small balls. Flatten them out and place them over the muffin pans. Mold them into the pan and bake for a half hour.

Prepare the filling and let it sit while your crust bakes. Spoon the ingredients in when your crust is a bit brown, fold over the tops.

Bake for another 45 minutes.

As for the eating in bed part, I shouldn’t explain. All I know is that this change of weather has turned me into a napper.

In other news, this bitch thought my pumpkin was her ball.




Every day I get closer to my move to Portland, I am overcome with excitement and nervousness. Today was my last day of work, and I’m officially without a job.

I feel like I’ve left a family at work, and I can honestly say they are the best people I’ve worked with. Tonight has become one of my favorite nights ever. 

Of course I have to make a fucking cocktail for it.

The Pick Up and Go

1 ounce of blood orange infused bourbon (bourbon infused with orange peel for 3-5 days)

1/2 cup of blood orange juice

1 tablespoon of agave nectar or simple syrup

topped up with soda water

garnish with a slice of a blood orange


Blood oranges are great for many, many reasons. First of all, they are gorgeous and always make perfect garnishes. Secondly, the strong citrusy scent and flavor takes over any strong (or cheap) bourbon. This is definitely a girly drink. Even my mother couldn’t taste much of the alcohol.


Either way though, it’s strong and if you need more than one of these to get tipsy, lay off the poison.

gluten free, vegan

hello, odd cravings

“Spicy Crab” Rolls

For the crab mixture: 3 spoonfuls of Vegenaise

1 tablespoon of Sriracha

1 block of baked tofu, chopped

garlic powder (optional)

Cooked sushi rice

nori wraps

Bake the tofu until both sides are browned. This is the most important part, none of the tofu can be slimy. Be patient.

Mix together the vegenaise and sriracha, put in the fridge until you’re ready to use it.

Cook the rice with a bit of sugar and rice vinegar until it’s sticky. Cool off.

Once your tofu is done, combine it in the mixture and let it cool off.

Assemble. (good luck)

What amazed me about this is that it actually tasted like the spicy crab mixture. I really need to invest in chopsticks.


I’m all about the sandwiches

I have an absolutely insane love for bread. Good, freshly baked bread. The smell of a loaf coming out of the oven is probably the best smell in the world. It also goes with pretty much anything. This is why sandwiches are the best things to ever come from mankind.


Peppered “Chicken” Sandwich

Two slices of bread, obviously. (Or fuck it, go crazy and have ten. I don’t care.)

1 serving of seitan. I made my own, but you can buy it in the store. It’s a long process.

Two thin slices of white onion

1/2 cup of sliced mushrooms

thyme and lots of pepper

microgreens and tomato are optional

Vegenaise for the bread

Grill the seitan, onions, and mushrooms in olive or grapeseed oil until

the onions are translucent, mushrooms are dark, and seitan is warm.

Season with the pepper and thyme. Assemble.

She was really upset I didn’t share. 



cocktails, gluten free, vegan

exploration in fancy

I recently ventured to China Poblano in the Cosmopolitan for the 10th time, and it still amazes me.

MEXICAN food and CHINESE in one place filled with beautifully designed pieces and literally…bicycles on the ceiling.

They recommended some crazy beer/tequila cocktail (which is trusting as all hell of me since I stick to certain things), but it was pretty alright. I say pretty alright because I would have taken whiskey over it any day. My MBF had a green tea whiskey sour:

I had the following:

Mushroom (setas) taco and noodles made out of mung beans with vegetables and avocado. It was weird. I would eat them forever if I could.

This place will for sure be one of the things I will miss about Vegas.

Uncategorized, vegan

my taste buds are skewed

Spinach Ravioli with Alfredo

1 package of Rising Moon Organics ravioli

Wild Mushrooms


1/2 block of tofu

1/2 cup of nondairy milk, unsweetened

1 tablespoon of onion powder and garlic powder

2 tablespoons of Earth Balance


chives (optional)

Blend tofu and nondairy milk while heating Earth Balance in a small saucepan.

Add the mixture and stir. Add the spices.

If it’s not thick enough for you (heh), add cornstarch/tapioca flour/arrowroot.

Heat ravioli according to directions (no shit)

This past month has been crazy (final projects and getting ready for my move to Portland). I’ve also fallen off the raw diet cleanse, obviously. At least I come up with weird concoctions during my class like this:

Fried Okra Tacos with Mango Salsa

1 cup of chopped okra, rinsed (it will get slimy


2 cups of spelt, wheat, brown rice, or gluten free flour

1 cup of nutritional yeast

1 tablespoon of garlic powder, salt, and cumin

1 cup of nondairy milk

Mango salsa (I purchased from Whole Foods)



Spicy creamy sauce:

1 cup of Vegenaise

1 tablespoon of Sriracha

Heat enough oil to fry the okra.

Combine breading ingredients, pour nondairy milk into a separate bowl.

Coat the okra in the nondairy milk and then the breading mixture.

Fry until crispy

Mix the spicy sauce together, chill until you use it.

Assemble tacos in corn tortillas

breakfast, vegan

i’m not even obsessed with chai

It just makes its way into most of my breakfasts.



Chai Spiced Cinnamon Rolls with Cardamom Pepper Icing


3 cups of whole wheat flour

3 teaspoons of baking powder

1/4 cup of sugar 

1/3 cup of coconut oil

1/2 cup of chai tea


1/4 cup of Earth Balance (or more coconut oil)

1/2 cup of sugar

1 tablespoon of cinnamon

a pinch of ginger, nutmeg, cloves, orange peel, and allspice


2 cups of powdered sugar

1/4 cup of nondairy milk

1 teaspoon of vanilla

1 teaspoon of cardamom

1/4 teaspoon of black pepper

Whisk the dry dough ingredients together, add in the milk and coconut oil, stir in the chai tea and squeeze out any water from the bag into the mixture. Refrigerate for a half hour to an hour.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Combine the filling ingredients, it should be thick.

Whisk the powdered sugar, cardamom, and pepper together. Add in the wet ingredients for the icing. Refrigerate.

The dough should be stiff. Knead it and make sure its covered with flour. Roll it and flatten to about a half inch thick. Cut into strips lengthwise and spread the filling mixture over it. Roll up each one and put it on a pan. Bake for about an hour.

Let the rolls cool before you pour the icing over them. This is important.

This goes without saying: I am abandoning my raw diet this morning.

breakfast, gluten free, raw, vegan


A week into this raw diet, and I already see significant changes. Clearer, softer skin. Pounds shedding off. Appetite (cravings) ceasing.

I think I finally did it correct this time, minus the bourbon.

This morning, I tried my hand at making a green smoothie. There are a million different recipes for this odd concoction, so explore and get ideas for your own.

Mine consisted of:

collard greens


one banana

unsweetened almond milk (too lazy to make my own)

agave nectar

maca root powder


Hell yeah, I watermarked dat shit, bitch.

gluten free, raw, vegan

festival in a week, time to go raw

Because of FYF next week, I decided to start a high raw diet- meaning all I mostly eat is fruits, nuts, seeds, and vegetables. Nothing cooked over 145 degrees and nothing processed. And sometimes I will engage in alcohol.


In attempting to get creative with salads;


I combined radishes I bought today from the farmer’s market, tomatoes, and broccoli. For a dressing, I drizzled sesame oil and white wine vinegar with pepper and curry powder.

Puppy was still begging.

cocktails, gluten free, vegan

I spoil my friends.

“Hey, I’m making you lunch” turns into me grabbing everything I own in the fridge and making THEM lunch. Here’s what came of it:

Vegan “Egg” Salad Wraps with Pear Coleslaw


2 raw collard green leafs

1/2 block of tofu

1/3 cup of Veganaise

1/4 cup of Dijon mustard

1/4 of a small onion

1 tablespoon of relish

2 pickles, chopped

3 teaspoons of minced garlic

1 teaspoon of regular mustard

Pepper to taste

Mix dressings and spices. Crumble tofu into the mixture. Top with an avocado. 

Makes 4

Pear  Coleslaw

1/2 green cabbage, finely chopped

1 pear, chopped

1/4 cup of white wine vinegar

1/2 cup of Veganaise

1/4 cup of agave nectar

2 green onions, chopped

2 teaspoons of poppy seeds

Mix dressings, add in cabbage and fruit. Stir in poppy seeds

Makes A LOT.

And what’s a meal without a cocktail?

Cucumber Gin Rickey

Cucumber infused gin (chop up one cucumber, toss in some inexpensive gin for 4+ days, strain out the cucumber and chill until use)

Habanero Simple Syrup (simple syrup with habanero peppers thrown in while cooling)

Fresh lime juice

Club Soda

Shake ingredients, strain into a chilled glass. Top up with club soda. Squeeze lime oils over the drink. Garnish and serve.

I’m leaving the measurements up to you. You can’t fail with these ingredients.

gluten free, vegan

salad gets boring

As a “health conscious” eater, you get fucking tired of salads. However, people grow COOL SHIT like red corn, easter egg radishes, yellow beans, and other strange color vegetables. I had no idea what to do with these and hadn’t tried some of them before, so I tested it out in a salad.

Odd Skewer Salad

raw shredded cabbage

one ear of red corn, grilled and dehusked

yellow wax beans, grilled

one block of organic tofu cut into squares

easter egg radishes, with the tails and greens cut off

brussel sprouts

1 pear, skinned and chopped into squares

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees. Stick the tofu, pears, radishes, and brussel sprouts on skewers and wrap in foil with a bit of olive oil or grapeseed oil. Cover the brussel sprouts and pears with balsamic vinegar. Bake until they are slightly blackened. Slice the pears into thin rectangles. Toss with the rest of the ingredients. Garnish with sliced almonds if desired.

breakfast, vegan

that’s quite a raspberry!

I used to have a hell of a time with acne. I looked monstrous, no medicine could help. Luckily, there are foods that promote healthy, glowing skin (and some that promote the opposite). Cutting out dairy and refined foods helped a LOT. After finding out what exactly is good for your skin, I incorporated more of those in my diet. Things such as beets, watercress, radishes, berries, and flax truly make you beautiful from inside out.

And yes, my post title is a quote from Anchorman. Pictured above is my:

Ron Burgundy Smoothie

1/2 cup of raspberries, rinsed

1 cup of vanilla non dairy milk (I used almond)

1 teaspoon of irish moss powder

1 teaspoon of beet root powder

1 teaspoon of maca root powder

1/2 tablespoon of flaxmeal

1 tablespoon of unsweetened coconut flakes

2 teaspoons of agave

Raspberries contain antioxidants and have anti-inflammatory properties (cya acne). The herbs also promote healthy skin, and coconut and flax are also known to do so.

gluten free, vegan

epic dawgz

“Chili dog” 

vegan hot dogs

ezekiel’s gluten free hot dog buns



daiya cheddar shreds

whole foods brand spicy vegetarian chili


Potato Salad

6 red potatoes, chopped and cooked

1/2 cup of vegenaise

1/4 cup of dijon mustard

1 tablespoon of white wine vinegar

1 teaspoon of dried dill

1 teaspoon of parsley

1/2 teaspoon of thyme

1/4 chopped onion

3 tablespoons of relish

1 garlic clove, chopped

pepper to taste

You’re welcome.

cocktails, design

can’t stop, won’t stop



Vanilla fritters are from HOMEMADE cookbook, a wonderful book with vegan and nonvegan food. The fritters, unfortunately are not vegan. My mom got to enjoy them while I smelled the incredible aroma they left in my apartment.

The drink recipe is from a bartender at a local bar here, wonderful drink, though I could never perfect it like he does.

breakfast, gluten free, vegan

housewife mode: engage

Today I’m starting my high raw/gluten free diet.

I decided to make a shit ton of gluten free breads for the week.

Here I veganized Whole Food’s Flaxseed Muffins. Instead of eggs, I used the egg replacer, and for the buttermilk, I combined a cup of nondairy milk with a teaspoon of apple cider vinegar and left it to curdle. I also used agave instead of the brown sugar.

Of course, these didn’t fluff up as much as they would with eggs, and it takes some perfecting, but they were amazingly delicious.

Even this bitch wanted one.

I am a bread fiend.

Going gluten free is a big step for me. However, if I bake one of these bad boys once a week, I’m sure I’ll be fine.

Recipe here

FYI: putting a pan full of ice is supposed to give the crust an extra crunchy texture. I followed the recipe pretty closely until I ran out of sorghum. I used a cup of sorghum and a cup of bob’s red mill GF mix instead. If you’re more patient than me, you’ll let the dough rise for more than a half an hour and get a decent sized loaf. Mine will never be sandwich material.

cocktails, Uncategorized, vegan

a fucking shitstorm

Sometimes when you get drunk, you make REALLY GOOD SHIT (mostly, you don’t)

I am calling this drink a Shitstorm.




This drink literally has everything pictured above. It’s whiskey shaken with 6 dashes of Tabasco and an ounce of homemade grenadine. I call it a  “Shitstorm”, but I’m sure someone has concocted this before. It’s got the sting of the tabasco, but the sweetness of the grenadine. And with whiskey, you cannot go wrong.



For dinner:


I had stuffed cabbage. Old lady-esque? Not at all. It’s stuffed with cooked quinoa, garlic, scallions, and drizzled with white wine vinegar and olive oil. It’s too simple to even put a recipe up. Bake and devour.

gluten free, vegan


I tried to make this not look like shit, I REALLY TRIED. At least it has bourbon in it?

I jumped at the chance to use my peach spiced infused bourbon and decided to make a gluten free cake. No icing, however, go for it. I’m trying to not have my ass jiggle for a week.

Peach Spice Bourbon Cake (gluten free/vegan)

1 cup of sorghum flour

1/2 cup of buckwheat flour

1/2 cup of arrowroot

2 teaspoons of xanthan gum

1/2 teaspoon of salt

2 tablespoons of flaxmeal

1 1/2 teaspoon of baking powder

1 teaspoon of baking soda

1/2 teaspoon of nutmeg

1 teaspoon of cinnamon

2/3 cup of coconut oil

3/4 cup of an unrefined sugar (dry, not wet)

1/4 cup of agave

1 tablespoon of vanilla

1/3 cup of bourbon

1/3 cup of peach infused bourbon*

1/3 cup of nondairy milk

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Mix flours together. Fold in wet ingredients. Slice a fresh peach and arrange on top of the cake. Bake for about an hour.

*Peach Infused Bourbon

1 glass jar

2 peaches, cut up and pitted

2 cinnamon sticks



Stuff the peaches and spices in the jar. Fill to the top with bourbon. Let it sit in a dark place for a week. Strain out the spices and fruit. Keep in the refrigerator.

just a thought, vegan

being vegan is tough

Anyone that says differently is lying. There are lots of stipulations and things you have to look out for- not only in food, but in everything you consume. Beauty products, alcohol, and clothing. I didn’t quite understand this concept of “animal cruelty free” and “ethical” until a few years ago, but I’m glad I do now.

For anyone that’s considering this lifestyle (yes, it’s truly a lifestyle), there are obvious things you cut out. Leather, gelatin, lanolin, wool, and even honey. These can all be debated as far as how much the animal has gone through for us to acquire these materials.

However, as a girl, it’s even more difficult to live as a vegan, as we are constantly trying new makeup and skincare products to see what works for us. There is one store that has literally saved my skin- LUSH.

Lush is an all vegetarian beauty store that has a lot of vegan products. They declared all of their homemade products ethical, but I still prefer to buy just the vegan ones. Before Lush, I had bad skin. The only thing that I could use was straight up tea tree, witch hazel, and vitamin e. When that didn’t work, I decided to explore- thus finding Lush. I’ve been using their products for two years now, and I’ve never looked back. My skin has cleared drastically and my hair is in better condition even though I dye it every few months or do. If you’re a vegan girl struggling with skin problems, I recommend Lush whole-heartedly.

Here are a few things I use religiously:

Let me step off my podium for a second. 

There really is a reason as to why I’m so passionate about this. Being vegan has helped me shed 50 pounds and clear up my skin, I’m obviously doing something right.

gluten free, Uncategorized, vegan

after a whole day of churning,


Earl Grey Sorbet

4 bags of earl grey tea

3 cups of water

juice of one lemon

1 cup of pure cane sugar

1 teaspoon of dried mint or 2 mint leaves

Boil 2 1/2 cups of water, add the tea bags to it and let it sit for 7 minutes. Boil 1 cup of water and add the sugar to it to make a syrup. After the tea is cooled, add the lemon and mint to it. Add the sugar syrup once the sugar has dissolved. Now, this is the hard part. You have to put it in a bowl in the freezer and STIR IT every hour to “fluff” it up.

It is definitely easier if you have an ice cream maker, however, I don’t know what you do with one of those since I’m clearly lacking the technology. Anyways, it tastes like tea in sorbet form, WHO KNEW? It’s refreshing as fuck and perfect for summer. And it’s the one of the few things I’ll make that’s non alcoholic.

The churning was totally worth it.

breakfast, gluten free, vegan

Sometimes you experiment and it turns out damn good.

Chai Waffles (Variation of Babycakes NYC’s gluten free vegan waffles)

Before even starting to mix your flours and heating up the waffle maker, you need to brew some chai tea. I used Tazo Decaf Chai tea.

1 1/2 cups of Bob’s Red Mill All-Purpose Gluten Free Baking Flour

1 cup of brown rice flour

2 teaspoons of baking powder

1 teaspoon of baking soda

1 teaspoon of salt

3/4 teaspoon of xanthan gum

3/4 cup of chai tea (and squeeze out the tea bags over your mixture)

1/2 cup of nondairy vanilla “milk”

3 tablespoons of agave nectar

1 tablespoon of vanilla extract

Mix your flours together. Add wet ingredients. Mix until it’s a thick even batter. Pour over a preheated, GREASED, waffle iron, just enough to where it doesn’t spill over the edges. This makes about 3 belgian waffles. For my syrup, I mixed together 1/3 cup of agave nectar, 1/2 teaspoon of maple flavoring, and 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract.

“Is that cocaine sprinkled on top? That would help burn calories in the morning.”

cocktails, travels, vegan

portland part deux

Here is what I explored in PDX:

Dick’s Kitchen

Cozy diner-esque restaurant with a strange mirror on a wall and okay music. They had a good beverage selection (alcoholic and nonalcoholic). Additionally, they served collard greens as a side (WIN) and a bbq tempeh burger. I snagged that and a manhattan, which also tasted decent. However, I was a bit disappointed in my burger, though I would return to give them another chance.

Aalto Lounge

Small, intimate bar that served classy and old fashioned cocktails with a bit of an attitude. It wasn’t as friendly as I hoped it would be, but we did hang out here a bit. It’s probably best if you just sit at a table away from the crowd.

Fifty Licks

Petite and heart warming (body cooling) food truck that serves the best ice cream, SERIOUSLY. I tried both vegan flavors- passionfruit and the coconut lemon sorbets. I would pay 4 dollars for a cone anyday, no fucks given.

Jam (on Hawthorne)

I wanted to dig this place, I really did. It’s cute inside, has attractive servers running around, and the menu looks great. However, the service was horrible, we waited forever to be seated and for our order to be taken, and the food did not make up for it. Tsk tsk, JOH.

Robo Taco

Hilarious themed little taco (burrito) shop that has a subtle California style to it. I am a bit wary of their vegan fare, especially after finding a piece of meat fat (I KID YOU NOT). I let it slide, along with the rest of that mushroom burrito down IN MY BELLY.

Circa 33

Comfortable and welcoming bar, probably my second favorite now after Central. The bartender was super friendly and chatty, the drinks were delicious, and the atmosphere invited hours of discussion.

Sizzle Pie

Odd environment, great location, DELICIOUS slice. Why would someone get a “cut”, is the real question though. (half a slice). I would come here for the strange concoctions and if I wanted to wait another 20 minutes to get my slice.

The Parish
Only came here for the Sazeracs, but it’s a classy place in the Pearl District. I wouldn’t eat here, as it’s not very vegan friendly, and the drinks were okay. You’re paying for the location, really.

That is all.

Ground Kontrol rules.

cocktails, travels, vegan

Portland, you destroy me.

1. “Fireball” – Makers Bourbon, Grenadine, Tabasco at Beuluhland

Overall awesome bar, cheap drinks, great atmosphere.

2. “Celebratory Gunfire”- Four Roses Bourbon, Creme de Cassis, Ginger Beer, Rosemary at Central

Intimate and amazingly designed bar, the owner seriously pays attention to detail. I am hooked.

3. Negroni and Pink Pearl- also at Central.



Unfortunately, I didn’t get to document the other half that was consumed in the TWO days I’ve been here.


breakfast, vegan

who the fuck doesn’t love a mini muffin?

Toasted Coconut and Mango Muffins from Vegan Brunch

I changed a few things in the recipe based off of what was in my pantry and what I thought would taste better. I didn’t even toast the coconut, perhaps these muffins are a fraud?

1 3/4 cup of flour

1/2 cup of coconut palm sugar

1 tablespoon of baking powder

1 cup of vanilla almond milk (any nondairy milk will be fine)

1/3 cup of coconut oil

2 teaspoons of vanilla

1 teaspoon of apple cider vinegar

1 cup of shredded coconut

1/2 teaspoon of nutmeg

1/2 teaspoon of cinnamon

1/2 teaspoon of ginger

1/2 teaspoon of dried orange peel

1/4 teaspoon of allspice

3/4 cups of dried mango, chopped

Preheat oven to 375 degrees Fahrenheit. Stir nondairy milk and apple cider vinegar, set aside to curdle. Line pan with muffin liners or grease the pan. Combine dry ingredients (except mango). Stir in the “butter”milk and vanilla. Fold in the mango. Your mixture shouldn’t be stiff or too watery. I filled 12 mini cups (overflowing), but yours might vary. You can pack it in because they won’t really fluff up since there are no eggs. Bake until the tops are golden.


I’m not sure how many calories are in these, but they definitely aren’t something to stuff your face with when you’re dieting. (at least not for me)

travels, vegan

You’re still shit, San Antonio, but at least I found this:

The Cove- Dive Bar/ Restaurant that focuses on sustainability and local food/ Car Wash/ Laundromat/ Venue

Now, don’t let that turn you away. This was literally the only cool thing in this vegan forsaken city. What you are looking at is my vegan bacon cheeseburger. Wheat bun, brown rice/mushroom house made patty, cashew cheese, vegan mayo, and greens. I could not even function. Additionally, this place had a great selection on beer and cider (decently priced, as well). The atmosphere was a tad dingy. Apparently there is a trough in the men’s restroom that pissed my dad off enough to where he left the building, but I’m sure most could tolerate it. If you’re not a drinker, they have interesting sodas and a great selection on the menu for food! The band that was playing was sort of lame, but I’m sure they have great bands come through usually. I would come back again. And again. And again.

606 W. Cypress San Antonio, TX 78212
(210) 227-2683

breakfast, raw

we meet again, raw diet.

Raw “Oatmeal”

1 cup of raw cashews soaked for at least a day (rinse every night if you are going to do it for more than one)

1 cup of wheat berries soaked for at least 2 days (again, rinse them every night)

1/4 cup of agave nectar

2 teaspoons of vanilla

I topped mine with bananas and cinnamon, but I’m sure it would taste great with whatever you usually put in your oatmeal (dried fruit, apples, etc.)

It has the consistency of oatmeal because of the wheat berries, but it tastes a lot sweeter.

Now, WHEAT BERRIES, let me b r e a k i t d o w n for you.

“Wheat berries are an excellent source of dietary fiber and there are numerous nutrients provided such as folic acid, protein, B-complex vitamins and vitamin E. The wheat grass acts as a cleanser and is rich in Vit.A,B, C and E along with other minerals. It is supposed to have anti-aging capabilities. The grass is rich in chlorophyll (obviously) and hence works directly on the liver and removes toxins.”

Now you ask: “Where the f$%@k can I get these?”

Any natural market will have them in bulk or in the grains section. They’re a reddish brown color when raw, and they sort of look like rice.

Who ever said vegans didn’t get enough protein? Pffffft.

life lessons

Life Lessons

1. Only people with shitty video cameras and shaky hands can see UFOs.

2.Your last words to a crazy murderer shouldn’t be “fuck you” or “help”, it should be something along the lines of “I give good head” or “I am your daughter”.

3. The worst thing about today’s kids aren’t that they watch Twilight or listen to Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber, it’s that they don’t play outside so it’s hard to hit them with my car.


breakfast, gluten free, vegan

slacking off, the usual breakfast

Smoothies- the fastest way to get all the nutrients you need in for the day. Also the easiest. I’ve been meaning to share my combination of weird shit, here goes.

I say kind of, well because….it’s not exactly buttermilk and chocolate.

Red Velvet Smoothie:

1 banana

1 cup of nondairy milk (I have used vanilla soymilk-TRY FOR ORGANIC if you get soy- and almond milk.)

2 tablespoons of cacao powder

1 teaspoon of beet root powder

1 teaspoon of lucuma powder

1 teaspoon of irish moss

1 tablepoon of wheatgrass powder (if you don’t dry out your leaves, you can use fresh wheatgrass, just be aware of the pulp)

2 tablespoons of flaxmeal (ground flaxseeds)

Optional: 1 spoonful of superfood powder -chocolate preferred-


This is why this is quite possibly the best smoothie you could have in the morning:

Bananas: Potassium, obviously. They’re also high in fiber and are said to improve your eyesight! And honestly, without bananas, this wouldn’t be as sweet.

Maca Root: This root actually aids in muscle growth, energizes, increases libido (if you need that shit), eases cramping, and regulates hormones.

Lucuma: I use this as a sweetener, really, but it also is said to increase tissue regeneration and contain anti-aging properties.

Irish Moss: This might seem weird to put seaweed in a smoothie, but trust, it’s tasteless and should be put in virtually any food you can hide it in. Why? Because it contains protein, iodine, bromine, beta-carotene, calcium, iron, magnesium, manganese, phosphorus, potassium, selenium, zinc, pectin, B-vitamins and vitamin C. It’s also said to soften your skin and give you DAT glow. Yeah, you’re welcome.

Beet Root:THIS is what gives the smoothie it’s pinkish hue and also is the reason why it has a shit ton of nutrients. Not only is it amazing for your skin AND helps to break down fat, it contains potassium, phosphorus, chlorine, iodine, and iron. Just one teaspoon of this is like eating a serving of beets. Not to mention, it also has no taste. It’s also said to be detoxifying and cleans your liver. This is why I have no regrets about drinking like a fish, FYI.

Flaxmeal: If you already know about flaxseeds, you should know that it’s more beneficial to eat it ground up. That being said, flaxmeal contains omega 3 fatty acids- which fight inflammation- and is incredibly high in fiber. Basically, after drinking this smoothie, you’ll shit pretty soon.

Wheatgrass:Wheatgrass is a natural energizer. It contains chlorophyll, which contains more energy than any other substance. Wheatgrass also helps in regeneration of tissue and detoxifies.

I could go on about how much better nondairy milk is for you than milk and the anti-aging properties of cacao, but I have decided against it.
Additionally, if you’re from Vegas (or anywhere) and you’re wondering, ” how in the f#$* can I get these ingredients?!”, it’s easy. Go to your nearest health store, hopefully they have some of these in bulk, and blend away! In Las Vegas, Stay Healthy! is the best place to get these because they DO have them in bulk. I would stay away from Whole Foods, mostly because they are overpriced and it would probably cost about $100 to get all of these things.
Anyways, happy blending (and shitting)